It looks like Kyle Rittenhouse, the newest hero of true patriots, will soon have enough money to buy CNN, once he’s done suing them.
Sources close to the Rittenhouse legal team have leaked to America’s Last Line of Defense that they are prepping the lawsuit to end all lawsuits for the young man, which would spring him into the 3rd position all-time for profiting from killing someone. George Zimmerman and OJ Simpson are numbers one and two.
Rittenhouse, who not only shot and killed two people but also wounded another in an act the court has deemed extremely brave and in self-defense, will be able to sail off into the sunset if he so chooses.
But that’s not what this wonderful young man is all about. We caught up with Kyle, or someone who looks just like him anyway, and asked what he’d do with that kind of money:
“That’s easy. I’d set up a school for medical training for crisis situations that also teach3es self-defense. Everyone should have the opportunity to shoot unarmed people then cry about it in open court. What a rush!”
We pointed out that his school would be more of an afternoon course that teaches extremists to carry a medical kit and an AR15, and to fire at will the first time your fragile masculinity feels threatened, to which Kyle responded, “Right? People will pay a fortune!”
Looks like Kyle will be just fine. Good for you, hero.
God bless America.