Malia Obama was with friends recently, having a blueberry latte and a hazelnut scone in Chicago, when she dropped a major bombshell: She said she’s “not related” to Barack Obama, former president and p[osibly a Muslim.
The news spread after someone sitting within earshot texted her friend, Miranda, who immediately sent the news out on Snapchat, Instagram, and Pornhub. The name of the source has been withheld either for her own safety or because we don’t know who she is, which would make this entire story far less credible.
The Obama’s have already issued a statement blaming Ben Shapiro and asking Allah for forgiveness for the atrocities the United States committed against Iran.
Keeping the story flowing is important, patriots, otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to add a bunch of random words after the tater attention span of 11 syllables has been met, thereby offering more shiny ad placements for their simple little minds to click.
Malia, who is due to be arrested any day now by the satirical profile we’ve built for her, couldn’t care less about a bunch of rubes on the internet or their dumbass conspiracy theories. She seems nice.
That’s about it, patriots. Another 200 words wasted.
God Bless America.