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Abbott Says Texas Border Wall Will Be ‘Electrified’

“Don’t mess with Texas,” the old saying goes.  The Lone Star State has always had it’s own unique brand of pride and cartoonishly violent stubbornness, for a former Mexican territory that couldn’t even manage to hold down one fort and has legally outlawed the Encyclopedia Britannica.  Not kidding.

In a recent press junket last week, governor Greg Abbott announced the construction of a wall along the state’s southern border, financed by the state itself, to combat what he and many other flopsweat-drenched conservative horse-screwers describe as a “crisis of invading brown people.”  Initial estimates put the starting figure at $250,000,000.

But wait, it gets better.  Just today, Abbott related that the wall will be electrified, raising the price tag as well as the overall danger to life, environment, and basically, any structure standing within a mile of the barrier.

Energy expert Sandy Batt explains.

“I know many psychotic conservatives have actually suggested an electrified barrier on the border because, frankly, they really enjoy murder and killing.  But in reality, it would start random fires with all the brush, kill off hunting areas, birds, animals, and likely cause severe sinkholes and explosions.  Also, stringing a giant lightning rod across the bottom of your state might not end well.”

There’s also the matter of the electricity, which will no doubt strain Texas’s already janky energy infrastructure, demanding 24-hour 7-day operation.  Texas lieutenant governor Greg Costello explained why the 700 billion dollar a year price tag is worth it.

“We don’t like strangers in these parts is why.  If’n you shut us down, we’ll build a goddamn dome.  Or we’ll secede and sail the whole state right off like a chicken fried Titanic.  Y’all don’t git how far we’re willing to go.”

With the plan already in motion, Texans don’t seem to mind their precious tax dollars being used for what amounts to a giant prop from a Loony Tunes episode.  I guess it’s all okay as long as their one-eyed children can play in peace.


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